I dreamed I was in a movie where I was on a road trip through Mexico, I was sitting in a Mexican cemetery and this little Mexican guy kept trying to kill me with a six shooter, but he only kept blowing off my fingers and hair. Then he clung to the side of the cherry red convertible 1960s Mustang I was driving and I had to do figure-8s to get the g's up enough for him to fly off the car, which he finally did. Then I just drove into the desert until these cops got me and took me into a secret cop facility in the desert. I was just wandering around the cop facility and eventually found this huge hallway with pane glass windows on the side looking over an enormous shimmering pool that was the most blue pool I'd ever seen. As I kept looking at it, I realised it was teeming with great white sharks and there were commandos on a raft in the middle of it. They threw a bunny into the air and a great white shark instantly flew completely out of the water to eat it and I was like, I gotta get out of this facility, but all of a sudden water started pouring into the hallway complete with great white sharks. I knocked out a commando and took his machine gun and started machine gunning the sharks at which point they’d explode. Finally John McCain made a cameo appearance (this is all still a movie) to help me. He said, Hey sonny, lemme see that gun. I'm more high-profile than you and I think I got this, but I had already killed them all and I said, Sorry McCain, this job's finished.
18 May 2008
I was on a family vacation in the mountains on a skiing vacation, and John McCain was my father. He was driving the car, but the road became very zig-zag hilly and snowy and we were slamming down a very steep incline with a deep ravine to our right. The car was skidding out and almost slipped into the ravine. I asked if I should get out and push, but John said he had it under control. At a very precarious point, we realized that someone was sabotaging our trip to try and kill us. They had put a detour sign on the road so we would fall into the ravine. The car started to slide uncontrollably and John yelled for us all to jump out, which we did as the car turned into two plastic tubs and slid into the river below. I wanted to take a picture, but was worried about my camera getting wet. We had to swim through snow to the ski lodge, where I scrambled up onto a ledge. There was a girl sitting there with her friends who wouldn't slide over for me to sit. She wouldn't share her blanket and was telling me I needed to leave. She was so annoying. In the end, I realized we hated each other because she was me and there wasn't enough room for the two of us.
In my dream, McCain has lost the election and is walking alone on a tree-lined lane on a well-kept estate, perhaps in Vermont. Why did I even try, what the hell was I thinking? he is thinking. He picks a rose from a rosebed and goes to smell it, when a hornet crawls from the petals and stings him on the lip. He cries out. A crowd of photographers and a bunch of people turn out to be watching. His face turns red as he crumples and throws the flower away, but his composure quickly returns. He shakes his head and manages a slight chuckle at the dawning humour of the situation. He picks up the ruffled flower and attempts to attach it to his lapel. It keeps slipping off, so he gives it one last sniff and then gently lays it down on the flower bed and starts walking away.
McCain is running for President, but he is not a senator from Arizona, he is a professor at the University of Pennsylvania. He happens to be campaigning in Dallas when it comes out in the news that he had recently arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania. He comes to a group of about 20 of us to explain this. The talk was the usual blather we hear when a public figure does something bad. During his talk, I keep interrupting to make awful – but original! – jokes.
After the speech, everyone else left the room, and John and I sat around eating peanuts and having a friendly chat about all the self-righteous nonsense we'd be hearing in the news about the incident.
I was walking in a park on a warm late spring day when I crossed paths with John McCain. I playfully punched him on the shoulder and started telling him about the website I Dream of McCain. I told him that I didn't recognise him from his photo on the site, that he looked really hot in the photo that they used. I explained that I was not supporting him the election, not that I could vote anyways. I kept babbling on and on until an ice cream truck drove by and played its song.
I was riding in a helicopter with John McCain. We had just taken off, when the others aboard the chopper turned out to be hijackers and started to hijack it. We were not very high, perhaps sixty to one hundred feet in altitude, and were above water, perhaps the Potomac. Suddenly, McCain went for the door and jumped. A second helicopter put two rescuers in the water, but McCain was already dead.
05 May 2008
13. Left-Wing, Pro-Life Female Grad Student Supporting Obama, Who Is Considering Voting McCain If Hillary Gets The Nomination
I was staying at a hotel and walked into the lobby, where they told me that John McCain would soon be holding a Q+A session. The crowd was much older than I, and clearly hard-core Republicans. Even though I'm not a McCain supporter, in my dream I liked him and was excited to hear him speak. I was very impressed by his speech and felt that I wanted to help him with the crowd. I raised my hand to ask a question and he called on me. I asked him a tough but fair question about his opinion and voting record on abortion, and I liked his answer. He came around the room shaking hands, and I whispered to him, You'd better watch out, some are trying to paint you as pro-choice and that could lose you a lot of these votes. In my mind, I was trying to help him get elected and giving him inside information.
He dropped my hand and looked at me angrily and said, You need to be excluded! He motioned to security to get me out of the room, and got angrier and angrier. As I was led away I started yelling to the crowd, He's just like Bush! He wants to exclude people! He's no different! He's lying to you! He's excluding me! And I'm pro-life! I was amazed at myself for making such a scene, and a little afraid I'd be arrested, but I felt betrayed and mad and didn't care.
23 April 2008
I was sitting with McCain at a rickety table in a camper, and I was advising him about his campaign. I pointed to an oddly shaped orange-and-black spider crawling down a 70s-era curtain behind his head. I handed him a piece of paper with which to kill it. He killed it, then looked at it ponderously. He said, I liked spiders as a boy.
16 April 2008
There was a town on a hill and the bad guys were slaughtering everyone. McCain got shot first, twice, and fell down in a haystack. Then I watched as the robots or bad guys killed everyone in town. I was sure they'd kill me when they found me, but I hid near where McCain had fallen.
After everything was quiet, McCain woke up. It turned out he had been wearing a bulletproof vest. I was overjoyed because it meant I would be saved. Then as he and I were walking away from the town along the edge of a cliff, a black admiral and a young woman came towards us.
All set? the admiral said.
Yes, said McCain.
I walked off with the admiral and the woman.
They said it had been McCain who betrayed everyone in the town, and that they were glad he was finished. I asked what that meant. They said that they'd run his carriage off the cliff. I looked back and there was McCain's horse-drawn carriage, smashed on the rocks at the bottom. I felt very disappointed in McCain.
12 April 2008
I was at work. The office manager was in her office with her door closed, taking a bath. An old man came to the door wearing a bright yellow baby-doll nightie. He was a little disheveled and I was worried he was disturbed or something. Then I realized it was John McCain.
I asked him what he needed and he said he was there to see our office manager. He'd met her in Las Vegas and was romantically interested in her. I hollered through the door that John McCain was here. She yelled back that she’d talk to him later.
I felt really concerned for her. Did she realize he was wearing women’s lingerie and was quite possibly crazy?
01 April 2008
It was the first day of my last semester of college. It struck me that I had enough credits to graduate and did not really need to be there.
I entered a classroom and sat. Seconds later, the professor opened the door. It was John McCain. This surprised me at first, but then I vaguely remembered registering for a class he was teaching.
In one abrupt motion, McCain walked through the door and sat at the first empty desk he saw. Without any introduction, he scolded us for not doing the reading. (We didn't know how he knew we hadn't done it, but he was right –- most of us hadn't.) I took from my bag the text for the class –- a thin, illustrated paperback mostly about McCain's life. McCain barked about some kind of onerous weekly assignment we had to write based on the book, but then revealed that all of the installments would be due at the end of the semester. We took this to mean that for all McCain's sternness, the class would be easy.
When we went to discussing the book, his mood flashed from angry to sugary. McCain turned to me, smiled, and asked, So, it is really possible for a bird to change the course of history like that? I had no idea what he was talking about.
I flipped through pages of the book for a period of time, and the question seemed to stretch for a minute, but was really only a few seconds. Are you referring to the scene in the book where the cat eats the bird? I asked.
Yes, McCain said. Some know-it-all who had done the reading jumped in and fawned at McCain, taking the light off me. I turned to my right and discovered one of my friends was sitting next to me. He marveled at the improvisation.
I left thinking I would probably just drop the class.
29 March 2008
27 March 2008
I meet John at a party and a little later he sends me a birthday card. Before I know it, he's on the phone asking if I want to spend the day with him. I'm very excited to spend some time with a big political figure so I accept. We go to the zoo, and have some exhilarating conversation. I keep expecting people to recognize him and point and whisper or something, but they don't. Late in the day, we find ourselves in an indoor lounge at the zoo. I'm looking out the window at the giraffes, and when I turn around, I see that John has stripped down to his briefs. I say, I'm not going to have sex with you, ya know. He replies that he hadn't thought anything of the sort. He simply enjoyed hanging out in his underwear!
24 March 2008
I was a secret agent who was working for a prestigious newspaper. They gave me the task of luring McCain into the attic of my old house so they could take pictures of us coming and going together. I was wearing a really cute outfit from Urban Outfitters so that I would look good in the photos.
I met McCain in a big industrial kitchen. He looked about ten years younger than he does on TV and was haggling with the workers to get me another sandwich for our attic picnic.
Suddenly I realized that he was in love with me, and to my own surprise I realized that I was in love with him, too. I was overcome with embarrassment and sadness because I knew nobody would respect me for loving an older man, especially a Republican, but I had never fallen so quickly for someone before. I also knew that I wasn't just supposed to be seen with him. The newspaper wanted me to seduce him and carry his child. Part of me wanted to run away but I didn't.
Next thing, we were in my attic. It was very warm and there was sunlight coming through the window. It made the dust in the air sparkle. We were lying on afghan blankets, looking at old pictures.
Then I woke up.
20 March 2008
Senator John McCain was near me at a department/supermarket store; the refrigerated groceries were right next to the clothing aisles. He was obnoxiously loud as he browsed for food products, saying offensive things to nearby women in a maverick fashion, like a Republican Borat. I was thinking to myself, This guy might be our next president?
16 March 2008
I am on a plane going to some small town in Montana. John McCain is on the flight, and just as we were about to land, he remembers that he needs to go to Washington D.C. He tells the pilot this, and even though all the other passengers protest, the pilot flies to D.C., drops McCain off, then flies the rest of us back to Montana.
11 March 2008
John McCain was speaking at a White House press conference, standing behind the blue, crested podium. He was speaking Vietnamese and talking about how farmers would begin to pool their assets. (I didn't understand the language, but I knew what he was talking about.) He had been brainwashed by the communists as a prisoner of war; it had been a conspiracy from the beginning. Then George W. Bush came out from behind the curtains with white powder on his nose and started yelling and pointing at McCain saying, Communist sleeper cell! Then John McCain turned into Dick Cheney with a rifle in his hand and started shooting.
10 March 2008
I was at a dinner and John McCain was gladhanding. I left the room to avoid meeting him. Once outside, I started flipping through a brochure that was all about my best friend's aspirations in politics. (He has no political aspirations in real life.)
Then I noticed that McCain was standing beside me.
He pointed to something in the brochure and said, That's not really accurate, is it?