I saw John McCain in a totally bombed-out building, standing in the rubble. He bent down, then stood back up and beamed at me and said, Hey look! I found a penny!
27 March 2008
I meet John at a party and a little later he sends me a birthday card. Before I know it, he's on the phone asking if I want to spend the day with him. I'm very excited to spend some time with a big political figure so I accept. We go to the zoo, and have some exhilarating conversation. I keep expecting people to recognize him and point and whisper or something, but they don't. Late in the day, we find ourselves in an indoor lounge at the zoo. I'm looking out the window at the giraffes, and when I turn around, I see that John has stripped down to his briefs. I say, I'm not going to have sex with you, ya know. He replies that he hadn't thought anything of the sort. He simply enjoyed hanging out in his underwear!
24 March 2008
I was a secret agent who was working for a prestigious newspaper. They gave me the task of luring McCain into the attic of my old house so they could take pictures of us coming and going together. I was wearing a really cute outfit from Urban Outfitters so that I would look good in the photos.
I met McCain in a big industrial kitchen. He looked about ten years younger than he does on TV and was haggling with the workers to get me another sandwich for our attic picnic.
Suddenly I realized that he was in love with me, and to my own surprise I realized that I was in love with him, too. I was overcome with embarrassment and sadness because I knew nobody would respect me for loving an older man, especially a Republican, but I had never fallen so quickly for someone before. I also knew that I wasn't just supposed to be seen with him. The newspaper wanted me to seduce him and carry his child. Part of me wanted to run away but I didn't.
Next thing, we were in my attic. It was very warm and there was sunlight coming through the window. It made the dust in the air sparkle. We were lying on afghan blankets, looking at old pictures.
Then I woke up.
20 March 2008
Senator John McCain was near me at a department/supermarket store; the refrigerated groceries were right next to the clothing aisles. He was obnoxiously loud as he browsed for food products, saying offensive things to nearby women in a maverick fashion, like a Republican Borat. I was thinking to myself, This guy might be our next president?
16 March 2008
I am on a plane going to some small town in Montana. John McCain is on the flight, and just as we were about to land, he remembers that he needs to go to Washington D.C. He tells the pilot this, and even though all the other passengers protest, the pilot flies to D.C., drops McCain off, then flies the rest of us back to Montana.
11 March 2008
John McCain was speaking at a White House press conference, standing behind the blue, crested podium. He was speaking Vietnamese and talking about how farmers would begin to pool their assets. (I didn't understand the language, but I knew what he was talking about.) He had been brainwashed by the communists as a prisoner of war; it had been a conspiracy from the beginning. Then George W. Bush came out from behind the curtains with white powder on his nose and started yelling and pointing at McCain saying, Communist sleeper cell! Then John McCain turned into Dick Cheney with a rifle in his hand and started shooting.
10 March 2008
I was at a dinner and John McCain was gladhanding. I left the room to avoid meeting him. Once outside, I started flipping through a brochure that was all about my best friend's aspirations in politics. (He has no political aspirations in real life.)
Then I noticed that McCain was standing beside me.
He pointed to something in the brochure and said, That's not really accurate, is it?